What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
