if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
