When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
