Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
