I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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