Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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