Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize