based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
