I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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