I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
