Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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