If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Never joke about your clitoris.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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