I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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