I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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