You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
