I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
