as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
