the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I want her autograph on my taint
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
