May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
