I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
