My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
