the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize