final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
