First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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