Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
