So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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