The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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