I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
