Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
