I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
