I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
