someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
