Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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