Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you didnt know i had herpes?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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