First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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