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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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