made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
