I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
