He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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