I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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