I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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