Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
