Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
