don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
