Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sext me about skeletons
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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