I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
