you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
