its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
