Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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