did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize