sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
