TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
