I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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