The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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