Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
