You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
