I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
