last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
