so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
