I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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