If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize