ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
FUCK WHALES
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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